provst:

“Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it.”

— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein; or, The Modern Prometheus

(via strayphilosophy)

fakingitdarling:

(via play---it---again2)

So the question now

is how to go on, how to incorporate the cruel realities of other humans’ dishonor and dishonesty without doing this total pendulum swing a la 2014 and without thinking I’d got it figured out only to be crushed even worse (late 2017-present).

Just because I learned lessons about cruelty doesn’t mean cruelty stopped existing, nor that my radar for it had been perfected.

These were from June of 2014. In the tags of this first, I was so fucking determined that I had metamorphosed myself into this cold, sterile being whose only love and drive was intellectual curiosity. However, the second post shows that I was deeply lonely (the dream was simply of laying a hand on my crush’s knee, at that point I’d not so much as touched a guy in 2.5 years and not had sex for about 4 years, and that wasn’t truly by choice but rather due to my own fears of rejection). The romantic love and sexual passion were not transmuted, simply repressed.

So I shouldn’t desire to return to that. I don’t really.

taghaza:

I still miss him so much, even though everything good I believed of him when I fell in love with him was false if one looks at all the evidence. :*(  

It’s so depressing when the truest and most real feeling you’ve ever had about anyone or anything is treated like it’s nothing. No, I was treated like I was nothing. I have so much to offer and I would have given him everything I had, and I got incredibly fucked over in return.

I have never felt so betrayed. I loved him so purely, and he only ever saw me as a thing to be used and thrown out.

March 2017. The universe looked back on this post about a year later and was like “lol hold my beer,” and brought me onto contact with a person/sitaution just like this but more intense in both the love and the pain by orders of magnitude.

(Source: inquanok)

Observation of Mar 2017. Proved itself true again.

(Source: inquanok)

taghaza:

Let me never lose sight of this again.

(Source: inquanok)

28 Apr 2017

(Source: inquanok)

taghaza:

is going to be my mantra from now on anytime I start caring about and wanting to help/be a positive presence in the life of a guy. A reminder not to be altruistic, not to be honorable. The goal in life now should be to give myself good things, because I am an exceptional person who deserves good things. Love is, it turns out, not a good thing. So I’m just going to give myself sex (or, I should say, find people to give me sex). Thus far, this is working out much better than giving a shit about people. It’s fun. Wish I’d had the confidence to do this sooner.

Yeah the May ‘17 headspace was a good one, need to get back there.

(Source: inquanok)

taghaza:

Spotting when people are taking advantage, or taking without giving back, and disengaging with that, is painful but very necessary. It’s difficult not to snap up the table scraps when that’s all you’ve ever been given, but if you waste precious time on that shit, you’ll never be placed where you belong at the head of the table with the choicest cuts.

- 21 May 2017. I had only just started to teach myself this lesson when I somehow ended up on the floor again. No more effing table scraps, dammit, we are fucking goddamned royals.

(Source: inquanok)

taghaza:

“Someone hurt me… betrayed me. And that has defined what my life has been for every second of every day after. And it has sucked. If I had any other choice, I’d take it. If you have any other choice besides being defined by a feeling of betrayal, you should jump for it. Jump for it like dry land to the drowned.”

— Alice Isn’t Dead, Part 2, Chapter 4: Chain
(via yasanggok)

Back here again. We shall see.

(via inquanok)